I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
