He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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