yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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