I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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