I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
