So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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