The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
