i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
