Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
