If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
