So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
