If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
