so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
