Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
