I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
