you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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