farters have to be the big spoon...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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