Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
