just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
