exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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