I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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