God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
