Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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