y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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