lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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