I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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