my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
