party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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