Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
