His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
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You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
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I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize