from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
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Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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