I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
