We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Let's get the cat blown out
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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