it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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