Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
