Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
