Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
