GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
