My liver just broke up with me...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
