My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
