i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
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don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.