When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO