Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card