Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?