Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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