The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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