Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
