so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
