Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
