She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
