I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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