you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
and she was petting her beer can
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
