i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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