I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
