I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
