mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
