So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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