I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i wish my penis had a tongue
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night