Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning