Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.