Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
When did angry sex become our thing?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing