Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
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in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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