you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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