He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
