last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
